“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Ruin Air’s…..sorry, Mick’s Monopoly Monoplanes’ … flight to Timbuktu. As you will have noticed there have been a few changes since you were last on board. Firstly, we have done away with the silly uniforms that we had to wear when Aer Lingus were still in existence. I know Mick said at the press conference the other day that he’d keep the oul’ green ones but that was just a bluff…..yes, another one.
“Now, you will notice, all our staff, including the pilot, are wearing jeans and open necked shirts, married to a semi-casual corduroy jacket. This new look was, of course inspired by our boss, Mick O’Leery, who always likes to make it look as if he’s one of the hard-working underpaid staff. Isn’t he a ticket, lads and lassies?
“Speaking of tickets, please note that you can now avail of a ticket for the loo, at the reduced introductory price of two euro, every time you buy a cup of tea. Families can get three tickets for a fiver and you can fight about who gets them later. Those of you who decide to drink our overpriced beer or wine on this flight can get a book of six loo-tickets for a tenner. Who says we don’t look after you then?
“You may have noticed that we only have one pilot on board with us this evening. The co-pilot has been let go and is signing on the dole in Bray as we speak, together with the other 500 pilots that Mick sacked when he took over Aer Lingus. Don’t worry if anything happens the one remaining pilot, our flight attendants are fully trained in all health and safety procedures and could land a 747 on a sixpence if need be. They’ve had plenty of practice with all the scares we’ve had over the past few months.
“With regards to safety procedures, we’d like to ask you to stuff the breathing apparatus back up into the cubby hole above your heads when they fall down, as they tend to do mid flight. Of course, this is an additional feature of our flights for your entertainment. Just have a look at your neighbouring passenger’s facial expression when this happens without warning and you’ll get a good laugh out of it. Believe me; I laughed myself sick the last time it happened. If this happens to you, there is a very small charge for use of the sick bag, which you can keep as a souvenir after use. We certainly don’t want them.
“You will be aware of our brand new second-hand seats, which you were able to upgrade to for only ten euros extra. These seats have been recycled … who said that we weren’t a green company … from the grounded Aer Lingus fleet. Unfortunately the paint we used to change them to our logo colour hasn’t quite dried yet on some of them. In order to compensate anybody who ends up with a blue bum, our scratch tickets will be sold at an earlier time than normal so that you can entertain yourself by scratching them instead of scratching your painted rear end.
“We hope to have models of Aer Lingus planes for sale soon on board all of
our flights. These will, no doubt, become vintage collector’s items in years to come. We’ll also have snooze blankets, specially woven from the surplus Aer Lingus uniforms, available to passengers for a small charge, as soon as we collect the finished product from our sweat factory in Asia.
“Also available on your flight this evening is our new bare-all calendar, featuring real live Ruin Air staff. The 2009 calendar is only eight euros to all passengers, both male and female, which goes to prove that we are not a sexist company. And anybody who wants to complain that we are can do so by leaving through the nearest emergency exit mid-flight.
“Don’t blame us if those dopes in the RNLI aren’t around to pick you up from the sea after you leave. Oh sorry, I got carried away there. I can’t call them dopes any more, can I? Not after their compliant against our recent ad has been upheld by the Advertising Standards Authority of Ireland. Silly me.
“Are many of you emigrating? Well, consider yourselves unlucky. Now that we have taken over Aer Lingus and the government has put a tax on departures from Ireland, we consider it our duty to slap another tenner on the fare of each person who is flying one-way out of Ireland. We call it the Unpatriotic Tax. It’s not fair to emigrate and leave the rest of us to pick up the pieces. I’m sure the ordinary man in the street has our backing. After all, We now what he thinks he really wants. No frills.
“So sit back and enjoy your maiden flight with Mick’s Monopoly Monoplanes. During the flight, if we ever get off the ground, we’ll be telling you about some forthcoming exciting offers that will be winging your way in the New Year. You have
heard, no doubt, that we will soon be allowing you to use your mobile phone in flight. The cost will be only two euros per minute. This price might change depending on how much we can get away with.
“This is to cover the cost of the technology of allowing you this luxury. You can now tell all your mates that you are ringing them from a plane and they’ll be so impressed. Did I hear someone say they want a quiet flight? No chance, mate. As our boss says; ‘If you want a quiet flight, use another airline. Ryanair is noisy, full and we are always trying to sell you something.’
“Have a nice flight and get your wallets ready because Ruin Air now rules the air.”